I'm sorry my penis didn't work
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
