Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
