he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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