I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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