Moan for me like Helen Keller
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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