He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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