I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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