Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
