a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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