remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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