Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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