M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just threw up on my dentist
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
