I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
