Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I am naked and annoyed.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
