I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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