I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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