I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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