dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
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