This is not my ceiling
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Randomize
