Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
