Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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