Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
