Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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