I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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