So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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