I just saw a hot homeless man
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
