I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
