I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
