Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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