It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
