I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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