I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
