I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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