Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
