take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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