first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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