Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
