just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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