Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I don't deserve a penis
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
