i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
