oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
