somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
