The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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