There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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