I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
