I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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