so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
