Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
