Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
