Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
